Definitely Brothers

 I still can't get over the fact of how much Carter and Bridger look like each other. I have such cute little boys. 

Bridger

Carter

Bridger

Carter

Heavenly Father's newest little angel... Bridger Gary Jenkins

May 17, 2010

5 lbs. 5 oz. 18.5 in

Wow. So this is something I never thought I would have to write about... but for me writing and sharing the story and life of our sweet little Bridger is something I need and want to do. Our little Bridger was stillborn on Monday May 17, 2010. 

I had just barely been to an appointment on Friday May, 14th. Everything looked great. The non-stress test looked perfect, and everything on the ultrasound looked perfect - heartbeat, size of the baby, and no cord around the neck. I also found out at that appointment that I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced. So I went home pretty excited that our little guy could come sooner vs later - and still be healthy of course. 

Over the weekend I noticed a few things... On Saturday night I was at a girls night. We were all sitting on the couch and the girls were looking at my belly. I told them I wished that he would move so that they could see it. He usually did move at night. He had been a very active baby all during the pregnancy. So I assumed that he was just sleeping. The next day on Sunday we busily went to church and came home. It was such a beautiful day that we decided to go to the park. My sister in law and her kids came too. I remember telling her at the park that I was a little bit worried because I hadn't felt the baby move, but I also hadn't really been paying attention because I was so busy. I also figured that the baby was just getting bigger and didn't have as much room to move around and that I was probably overreacting. We finished the night by visiting family and then went home. The next day (Monday) was a beautiful day. Carter and I went outside and played with our neighbors and then came inside for lunch. The thought again crossed my mind that I hadn't felt the baby move last night or this morning. So I got on the computer to research fetal movement at 36 weeks. Every comment said something to the point of, "Go straight to your doctor. Call your doctor." There was also a comment that said try drinking some cold juice and lay down for 45 minutes. So I drank some apple juice and layed down for 45 minutes. No movement. I switched from side to side and on my back. No movement. I then called my doctor and they said to come in for a non-stress test as soon as I could get there. I made arrangements for Carter and got there about a half hour later. I was pretty sure that I was overreacting and that everything would be fine. That started to change when 3 different nurses couldn't find the baby's heartbeat on the non-stress test monitor. Then Dr. Healy came in, looked at the test, took my pulse and calmly said, "Well, let's just go do an ultrasound." So I figured that baby was just in a bad position to find the heartbeat on the monitor. Dr. Healy started the ultrasound. After looking for a little bit he said the words, "I'm not finding a heartbeat." Immediately I started crying. He looked a little bit longer and I kept hoping for a mistake and that he would find the heartbeat. But that didn't happen. He then checked me and I was 3.5 cm dilated and 85% effaced. He told me that we would need to deliver the baby that night, gave me a hug, and left to call the hospital. I then called Mark. Nobody had any idea I was even going in to the appointment because I didn't want to worry anyone. So Mark was completely blindsided when I told him the news. He and I cried on the phone together for several minutes while I told him what happened. He then rushed over to the Dr.'s office were he hugged and cried, and hugged and cried. We then left together to go home and pack for the hospital. Before leaving for the hospital we each received a blessing. 

This day had quickly become the worst day of my life. The flood of emotions were so overwhelming. I was obviously sad, but also angry. We got stopped by the slowest moving train ever on our way home. Figures. On our way to the hospital the traffic was so congested. Figures. We drove by the dog food factory and it smelled of dog food and dead fish. Seriously?!! All on the way to deliver our dead baby.... Worst day ever. 

Getting to the hospital was horrible too. Walking into the hospital Mark was carrying my bag and I was obviously very pregnant. A lady was walking to her car and gave us the biggest smile. If only she knew. The receptionist was on the phone and we waited what seemed like forever to get checked in. Once checked in they had me give a urine sample. They then walked us over to another part of the labor and delivery floor that is more secluded. I got changed, and sat there waiting to get started. We had an incredible view of the city from our room, but it was starting to get cloudy and grey outside. It was like the weather was getting ready for the event about to take place. Cloudy and grey. The nurses came in and introduced themselves and got me suckers and ice chips. No thanks. I just wanted to deliver my baby. It felt so awful to know that I had a baby inside me but that he wasn't alive. They soon got me started on pitocin around 6:00 pm and my water was broke shortly after that. I started having contractions really quickly. So I got my epidural really quickly too. Getting the epidural was hard because I had to go through the pain knowing I wouldn't get the reward at the end. My nurses made the experience more bearable and were so awesome. They were crying along with us, and answering any question that we had. We couldn't have asked for better help to get us through. A little after 9:00 I was completely dilated. My doctor showed up and the baby was crowning on his own. He was born at 9:24 pm. They immediately saw a kink in the umbilical cord that taken our baby's life away from him. I wanted to see the kink but couldn't handle seeing my baby not breathing. Between giant sobs I had to ask them to take him away. I sat there crying SO hard! Saying, "I just want my baby." Mark was comforting me and crying right along with me. My parents were also in the room, crying.  Meanwhile, they cleaned my baby off and wrapped him up. I could then handle seeing him a little bit better. My first thought at seeing him is that he looked JUST like Carter as a baby. Same profile, same lips, same nose, same amount of hair and color of hair. He was just smaller, but he looked healthy and fully developed. He weighed 5 lbs, 5 oz and was 18.5 in long. 

We were able to spend almost 6 hours with him. He was perfect. The doctor and nurses said he looked like one of the best stillborns they had seen as far as his coloring, which indicates that he probably hadn't been gone that long. We held him and cuddled him, took as many pictures as possible. There are a couple of organizations that come and volunteer their time for stillborn babies. They made casts of his hands and feet. A professional photographer also came in and took pictures - all for free. The nurse dressed him in what would have been his "going home outfit," and we picked a homemade blanket out for him. The spirit was so strong in our room that night. It was so hard, but seeing him gave us a sense of peace and we could feel Heavenly Father's love. Of course we had a million things and unanswerable questions running through our minds. I tried not to focus on them and just focus on the little bit of time we had with our little baby. At this point we still didn't have a name for him. His middle name was always going to be Gary after my dad. We ended up deciding on the name Bridger. We liked the name all along and it seemed to fit. My friend later commented that she thought of a Bridge to Heaven. Which is so true. 

I loved those sweet hours that I got to spend with my little Bridger. We held him and cuddled him as much as possible. Most of the time it looked like was sleeping and even smiling. We knew he was there with us in spirit. As a mom I still wanted the best for him and to protect him. His little feet were cold and it was hard to know that I couldn't warm him up. His skin was very fragile from being in the amniotic fluid so it looked like he had little sores on him. That was hard to see too. At least we know that it is just his physical body and that his spirit lives on. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long to see him again. I love him too much. Mark and my dad gave Bridger a name and blessing. Mark gave the most beautiful and special blessing to Bridger. I will always remember that moment. 

After my parents left Mark and I each took our turn telling Bridger how much we loved him and  how much we were going to miss him. We had to make a decision when to call the mortuary. How do you make that kind of decision? As time went on it seemed like it was going to get harder and harder to let him go. We knew that once the mortuary was called we would have about an hour. We savored that last hour. When the person from the mortuary showed up we didn't want to hand our baby over to someone we didn't know. So, Mark took Bridger to the nurses - whom we now love. They undressed him so that we could keep his outfit and brought it back into us. We had said our last goodbyes to his physical body. I missed him already.

These past couple of days have been pretty horrible as anybody can imagine. The memories of him and the constant reminders are so hard. The HUGE outpouring of love we have received from family, friends, and ward members has been overwhelming. At times Mark and I feel undeserving, but I would do the same thing for them in a heartbeat. Everyone's love has made it easier to get through this and having our sweet little Carter has made it more bearable too. We cherish him even more than we did before - if that was possible. Bridger's death has put a new perspective on life for me. He has blessed me. We will love him forever and he will always be a part of our family. I loved this saying... Some people only dream of angels. We held one in our arms. Bridger Gary Jenkins was born a REAL angel. 

We love you little guy! Love, Mommy, Daddy, & big brother Carter

We will be having a service for Bridger tomorrow (Friday May 21, 2010)

Lindquist Mortuaries

2140 N. 400 E. (Washington Blvd.) 

North Ogden, UT 84404

Visiting starts at 10:30 and his service will start at 11:00. 

His interment will be at Evergreen Cemetery. 

I know that looking at his pictures might be hard for some people, but he is still my little baby and I am proud of him and want to show him off. I am not going to get to do the fun photo session I had planned or send out birth announcements. So here are some pictures of  our sweetest little angel Bridger. (Click on older post)

Pictures of our perfect little angel

Grandma's little sweetie

Named after Grandpa Gary

What we came home to...

My best friends ever found my to do list and did everything on it. Thank you. I love you guys.

This is going to be Bridger's burial outfit. It looked like it would be so big on him so my sweet friend Taya altered it for me. She made the long sleeves into short sleeves and shortened the legs a little bit. She also made him some tiny little shoes. All within a few hours... The blanket was also given to Bridger from my visiting teacher. 

Thank you...

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, gifts, and love. We couldn't get through this without all of you. We are truly blessed and loved. We are grateful for the love shown towards our little Bridger too. He will be missed by many. 

Love, 

Alison, Mark, and Carter

Elder Mellies

I just received this picture of my brother - Elder Colby Mellies (the missionary on the left). As you can tell he is hard at work as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Baltimore, MD.

In all seriousness though... Colby has been working REALLY hard and has taught a lot of people about the gospel. He has been on his mission for about 21 months and we are so proud of him! He gets to come home on August 18th in time to dive right into school at Weber State. I can't wait to see my little (bigger than me) bro.

Mother's Day

I had a great Mother's Day this year. On Friday Mark and Carter gave me a dozen pink roses and a balloon, so that I could enjoy them all weekend. On Sunday we went to church, which was so nice. Carter was good and I really enjoyed all of the lessons. One of the other nice things about Mother's Day was the beautiful weather. I'm starting to feel like it is never going to stop raining and warm up! After church Mark gave me another present which was a cute cookbook. We then went over to my parent's house for dinner. We had salmon, baked potatoes, fresh fruit salad, and rolls. Mark also made us some margaritas and daiquiris, and we had ice cream roll for desert. Mark also tried to help out a lot more with Carter which was also a great present. I swear everything is two times harder right now!

Me and Carter with my flowers and balloon

My pride and joy! He also gave me that yellow flower, that he got in nursery.

Grandma tried to teach Carter how to golf...

Mark making us his specialty drinks!

Us with my mom and the planter we got her.

My mom surprised me with an EARLY birthday present (My birthday is June 17th)

This is what it was! Yeah! I have been wanting/needing a new camera. Mine is worn out! I love these Canon Powershot cameras. They take the best pictures for being such a small pocket size camera. Plus, I wanted something before our baby is born and that is why she gave it to me early. Mom's know best right? I also LOVE that it is pink! Thanks Mom and Dad!

Also, since it was Mother's Day, Mom surprised us with some presents for the baby! She called it a "mini baby shower." 

He got so many things! Cute outfits, a super cute diaper bag, binkies, hand mittens, bottles, a receiving blanket, formula dispenser, socks, bottle bag, medicine dispensers, and diaper bag toys!

We also wish Robin a Happy Mother's Day! We hope you start feeling better, and can't wait to see you soon! Mark had some flowers delivered to Robin that were in a cute little teacup and saucer. They had "Robin" written all over them! 

I am so grateful for the Mother's Day holiday... It really gives me a chance to reflect on how lucky I am to be a mom. And I am so lucky to have such an awesome little boy, and another one on the way! Being a mom has been the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I am thankful to my mom for teaching me all the things she did about how to be a good mom and I love her very much. Love you Mom! I am also so grateful for my mother in law who has been such a great example and also taught me a lot. Love you Robin! Both my mom and Robin have been such great grandmas to my little Carter and that makes me so happy. Thanks again to both of you for all that you have done, and continue to do for us. You are the best moms ever!

Discovery Day with Grandma!

During the month of April the Discovery Gateway had a deal going on where you could get in for $5.00 instead of the regular $8.50. So I really wanted to take Carter because he loves that place, but I really don't have the energy to take him someplace like that by myself right now. So, we invited Grandma Tammy to come with and she happily said yes! He probably could have stayed at the ball station the whole time... trying to get him to move from station to station was often quite a task. I loved watching him discover new things and watch his little mind work. The pictures show how our day went...

So many balls!!!

Eggies!

I love that he is running in this one... he did a lot of running

Pushing around his one little tomato..

Back to the balls...

What a nice grandma...

He kept yelling "game!" and clapping for himself at this station

Drummin'

This was at the food court afterwards... he kept saying, "Coins mama? Coins?"

And this is the CUTE dinosaur Grandma bought him at Discovery Gateway. The next two pictures are my attempts to get a picture of him with it in his dinosaur pajamas. Of course he wouldn't hold it! Little Stinker!

At least HE looks cute...

Thanks for coming with us Mom/Grandma! We had a fun day!